Today I want to talk about why we trip and fall. More importantly why we fail to move on which, in essence, is the true fall and failure. There invisible, yet undeniable forces that rule our lives by shaping us into who we are, acting the way we do. It may be redundant to say but I’ll say it anyway for those who haven’t been able to see it. We are made of body but driven by emotion on all levels. Emotions rule our lives from cradle to crave.
So let’s talk about them. Give them the credit they deserve being the root of all that makes us trip over.
Fear
That’s the biggest one. It deserves the first place and proper attention.
Correct me if I’m wrong but is it not fear why you don’t dare jump into the direction you so desire? The reason you stay on the sideline, act like a poor observer of life and play the victim, filled with resentment for those who do dare jump?
Are you afraid to speak up? Are you afraid not to make a mistake? Are you afraid what people will think of you if you do or don’t do something? Are you scared to death of not conforming to the rules?
Do you fear the illusionary responsibility that somebody you care about will be hurt or disappointed by your words and actions? Are you?
You better let go of it if you want to be somebody and achieve something in this life. It’s as simple as that. Don’t worry about others, we are all so consumed by our own lives, fears and failures that nobody truly pays any attention beyond 5 minutes to care about your failures. Fail away, it’s brave, that’s how we learn. Not doing and not speaking is a failure bigger than any.
And please, please stop living under the illusion that you carry any responsibility whatsoever for how people feel about your actions. You don’t. That’s why you have been given a life of your own and other have their own, separate lives – we are all separate beings and each of us has a birthright to pursue our own happiness in the way each of us understands it. Full stop.
And if somebody doesn’t care enough to want you to be happy, do they truly deserve the honour of you caring about their feelings?
Guilt
That’s another favourite one. A huge holdback you are better off letting go of if you want to be free. It’s the best you can do not just for yourself but for everybody you love too.
You’ve made a mistake. And you’ve hurt somebody. Maybe you’ve hurt them badly and maybe the mistake wasn’t just one. Welcome to being human. Welcome to life.
Just a quick introduction to this place – this is where you’ve been sent (or come voluntarily – whatever you prefer) to learn through making mistakes so you can mature, get better.
It’s not about not making mistakes. It’s about learning, letting go and moving on to hopefully act and react with more wisdom in the future. Being better by no repeating what you now know was a mistake. But you have to be honest with yourself and brave, not suppress things pretend they didn’t happen, refuse to see the lesson in them.
And here’s the thing. A few things actually.
Firstly, most of us make mistakes not because we are mean, evil people who want to hurt others but because we don’t know any better. And even if we did believe we wanted to hurt somebody intentionally at some point, it was simply due to lack of maturity.
We make mistakes because we lack knowledge, skill, wisdom, emotional intelligence. We lack the tools. We’re growing – constantly. We don’t come here with a manual for god’s sake. And this predisposes the fact that we will not be prepared for all situations in life. We won’t always know how to act with grace and wisdom. So we make mistakes.
Secondly, we are all a product of our inheritance and our environment. Nobody consciously chooses which family to be born in or what circumstances to experience. It’s just a fact of life. We are predisposed to make certain mistakes, be easy on yourself.
And learn to forgive yourself. Forgiveness may be the most powerful gift you can give yourself – forgiveness for yourself first and then also forgiveness for others. It’s game-changing because it will set you free.
Blame
It’s nothing but the other side of the medal. The guilt you think somebody should feel for what they’ve done to you. The feeling that somebody has done you wrong, has hurt and harmed you. Has contributed to shaping you into who you are and making you weak, making you a victim.
Yes, people hurt us. Undeniable. Unforgettable. Unavoidable. They do us wrong. They deform us.
BUT just the way we make mistakes because we don’t know any better, people make mistakes toward us for the same reason. They are weak, immature, foolish. Like us. Be gracious to them and forgive. Be good to yourself and forgive.
There’s a saying that I really like because I know it to be true for a fact and it’s so transformative.
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
Try to keep this in mind, always.
Because here’s another thing. While you are holding on to anger and pain, you are holding on to the past. And when you hold on to the past, you can’t possibly go anywhere.
Somebody’s done you wrong but it is your responsibility to let go of that, to eradicate the toxic feelings that left you with and to move on. To un-deform yourself. If you think about it, it’s the best revenge you can have.
Yet if we want to be gracious and grander – it’s also a way to transform that other person too, help them grow. By letting go, you help them let go of the guilt they will be feeling inevitable when they realize how they’ve harmed you.
Shame
When I was 8, I peed my pants while I was in dancing class. I was so painfully shy, I didn’t want to disrupt the class by raising my hand to ask for permission to go to the restroom. How silly huh?
These pants are the only piece of clothing from my childhood I still remember to this day, and I remember them vividly. Do you see how powerful emotion is? What impact it has on things that are very real such as memories?
I can still remember the laughter, everybody calling me a baby. Of course I knew I wasn’t. I was very aware of my needs, I was just too shy to articulate them. So I refuse to let that in.
When I was 15 I let a guy treat me really badly and humiliate me in public. I had no knowledge how to react or handle such situations. I had no experience such as this, I had never been in such a situation. I felt such shame but also anger with myself for not speaking up, not defending myself, not giving him a piece of my mind.
When I was 17 I kind of stole my sister’s potential boyfriend. It was deliberate, intentional. I made a real effort, not only because I liked him but I was also at war and in a silly competition with my sister. I knew no better.
I’m almost 34 now. I’ve made other mistakes, things I’m not proud of. I’ve had a few moments that were definitely not my finest hour. I felt great shame about these for some time. In other situations I also added blame and guilt to the shame which didn’t help.
But I understand that some of these situations were not my fault at all. In others, I just didn’t know any better. I was 8, 16, 18, 25, 30 – I didn’t know how to handle some things. I didn’t know how to handle myself. I didn’t understand life. I didn’t understand me. I didn’t understand my own baggage.
I was a different person in any and all of those moments. A person that I am not anymore. And so I can’t let these events define me, because they are not me. They are just things that happened and that I reacted to with the knowledge and wisdom I had at the time.
That’s all. So I’ve made it my goal and priority to let go of these things. To let them go. To leave them behind, in the past where they belong.
And you should too.
In conclusion I will say this. If you love people in your life, if you have deep love for some people in your life, you have to understand this: if you are not good to yourself, you can’t be any good for anybody else.
Living in fear, depriving yourself of what your heart desires, not making a move so you don’t disappoint or hurt somebody eventually turns into anger and blame. And we know the destruction these lead to.
Living with guilt and shame, makes you weak and broken, makes you play the role of a victim which is a toxic one and can destroy lives. Don’t do that. Take responsibility, be the ruler of your life, be brave enough to admit mistake but also forgive mistakes, strong enough to stand your ground and defend your right to be whole and happy.
Being whole and healthy and happy emotionally is the only way you can be good for others too. It’s not rocket science, it’s simple fact. Suffering leads to suffering. Pain leads to pain. Happiness gives birth to happiness unavoidably, unapologetically, undeniably.
Do you think I am right?
Don’t answer. You and I, we both know the truth. It’s not to be understood through words, it doesn’t need to, your heart can’t mistake it for the world.
