Once there was a little boy who was born without arms. The boy’s parents couldn’t have a child for many years and had given up on the dream of raising a family when Brian was miraculously conceived. When he finally arrived, it was such a miracle to the couple that even the fact he was deformed and his life wasn’t going to be easy couldn’t ruin the moment. The parents were over the moon, they knew they were going to love the boy even more.
One day, when Brian was about 6 years old, a neighbor came to the house for coffee. While she and Brian’s mother were chatting in the living room, the boy was admiring his dinosaur collection nearby. At some point, Brian felt he was cold and started to try to put on his pullover. He was working hard at it, moving his head and his whole body in an attempt to get dressed. Since he had no limbs it was a struggle. The two women were sitting nearby, observing the scene. The guest was eagerly waiting for Brian’s mother to jump up and help the boy. After a few minutes she couldn’t help and asked, somewhat appalled: ‘Aren’t you going to help him?’. Brian’s mother bit her lips in an attempt to stop the tears rolling down her cheek and replied: ‘I am helping him. Don’t you see?’
A somewhat sad but truly beautiful story about the meaning of love. It comes from Logotherapy’s textbooks. Often used in teaching materials – and for a good reason.
When we think about loving someone, we usually associate it with being good to them, creating comfort for them, looking after them, canoodling them, making life easier for them. While these are all parts of love, they are only half of what love truly is. The easier half, because it only feels right to do all those things. And the somewhat selfish half – I dare say – because there is benefit in it for ourselves too – it feels good doing those things’.
But how good is it to take burdens off of someone’s shoulders continuously? Don’t you also deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to carry them on their own? How good is it to spare them hard truths so they don’t feel bad in the moment. Don’t you also deprive them from the opportunity to learn to face harsh realities and develop resilience? How good is it to care for them constantly so they don’t have to struggle? Aren’t you also teaching them that they can’t take care of themselves?
What when you can’t be there for them anymore one day? After all, we’re all born alone and we die so – here’s a harsh reality.
What good would you have done them having deprived them of the opportunity to build character, strength, resilience, self-sufficiency, courage?
This is what this story is about. To truly love someone means to care for them enough to place what is in their best long-term interest above what feels good in the moment. It means to support them in growing into a strong, authentic, independent, courageous human being that can handle life on their own. It means to sometimes refrain from doing things you want to do for them even when your heart breaks.
Sometimes we need to kick the proverbial bird out of the nest – this is how it learns to fly. Sometimes we need to tell those we truly love harsh truths others won’t tell them so they can grow out of these truths. Sometimes we need to refrain from rushing in to offer a helping hand in a moment of difficulty so the one we love can learn that they are perfectly capable.
Different moments in life call for different actions – undeniable. Sometimes we do need to be soft, understanding and caring. Sometimes we need to be ruthless and realise that this too is care – not the easy kind but arguably the more valuable one.
This is what true love is. Sometimes it is gentle and warm, sometimes it is tough love.
