I’ll make an assumption here but I believe it’s safe to say that we all hate the question of forgiveness or rather the need to forgive. When you’ve been let down or hurt another way the last thing you feel is a burning desire to forgive. Yet, we’ve all heard different sayings to the effect that by not forgiving you’re only punishing yourself. And unfortunately it’s true, no matter how you feel about it. Deep down you know that those acid emotions you’re holding for somebody only hurt you. Or at least, most certainly hurt you if anybody.
So how do you forgive and rid yourself of the past?
Before we jump into the therapeutic, there is somewhat of a preparation stage. All those feeling and thoughts swirling around in your mind and soul need an outlet. To process them, you need to express them. Write down what’s happened and how it’s made you feel. It may be in the form of a letter to the person you need to forgive, for example. If there’s somebody you can talk to about your feelings and be vulnerable with them, do it too. Whatever way comes to mind and feels right to express your emotions, do it.
But!
Don’t let this be an endless self-pity fest, you’re doing this so you can take away the power of those negative thoughts and feelings and get rid of them eventually. Give yourself a period to express your emotions and when it’s done, it’s done. You are not to talk about this anymore. Ultimately, this process should make your feelings slowly dissipate and when the period you’ve given yourself is over, shove hurtful thoughts and feelings to the side when they come up. It’s the force of habit to some extent.
Then, you’re on to the main task: forgiving.
You may not know this but our mind cannot tell the difference between reality and imagination. That is, whatever you imagine will trigger the same internal processes, emotional and physical, as what happens in the real world. This interesting fact can be used to your advantage in many scenarios, and forgiveness is definitely one.
The process is simple but it may take some guts to do it, so brace yourself – you’re going to visualise you’re forgiving the person who hurt you and here’s how.
Pick a day when you feel calm and up for that. Find yourself a peaceful place. Lie down or sit – whatever way feels better. Close your eyes and picture your favourite place of peace and tranquillity. Have the person slowly appear in front of you. Explain to them what they’ve done to you and how it’s made you feel. Then ask them if they know how much pain they’ve cause through their actions. Don’t be surprised if you hear a response from the other side, it happened and it’s always one of deep remorse. Your exchange can even grow into a dialogue, go with it if this happens.
Once this part is over, let the person know that you understand that their behaviour is born out of their own pain, weakness, lack of understanding or lack of maturity. Tell them that you feel compassion for them because you know deep inside they’re actually hurting too – whether because of their own pain or because of lack of awareness and maturity. Don’t just say those things – force yourself to feel compassion for them. Understand that this person must have gone through pain or to have been spaced understanding of life to have hurt you that way. They will not find peace or happiness until they heal and/or grow. What may help is to picture them as an innocent child – don’t forget, once they were one.
Then tell them that you want to release them and yourself of toxic emotions and that you forgive them. Again, imagine what it would feel like to forgive them. Give it your best.
Then hug the person if it feels right and send them on their way. Watch them disappear in the distance taking with them your hurt and pain, leaving you only with feelings of compassion.
You can come back to the room, the visualisation is over.
Needless to say that you won’t immediately feel relief of your thoughts, emotions and blame or forgive the person. It’s a process, it’ll take time. But once you’ve done the above, you’ll have ignited powerful internal processes that will work their way through your psyche in time. You don’t need to know how. But one day you’ll find yourself realising that you don’t hold negative emotions, and that maybe you even feel gratitude for how the experience with that person has made you grow.
Mark my word.
