There is a plethora of psychotherapeutic schools out there offering psychological help through various approaches. Some work with the behavioural patterns that cause us problems, and others help deal with the thoughts that provoke that behaviour. Still others work on deeper levels such as the subconscious that leads to emotional responses and thoughts in the first place.
In any event, the rate of success of therapeutic interventions is up for discussion. As with everything in life, some methods are objectively better than others simply because they are more comprehensive. However, here’s something that most people don’t know – the relationship with the therapist is the single most critical factor to their ability to help.
The so-called therapeutic alliance between therapist and patient far outweighs in importance of the type of psychotherapeutic method, the knowledge or skill of the therapist even. This is what studies show conclusively.
Once the relationship is in place, the only thing that matters is whether the therapist can help alleviate your suffering permanently. Or rather, if they can teach you perspectives that help you achieve that – because no one can do anything for you, you need to put in the work.
But how does this happen?
Expand your horizons
Pain has the unique ability to draw and nail our attention to itself and its source. This is as true when it comes to physical pain as it is when it comes to emotional pain. The result is that we tend to become consumed with our pain and the reason for it and we can develop a sort of a tunnel vision for it. But the thing is that, the more attention you give to something, the larger it becomes until it becomes our whole reality. A good therapist should be able to help you see other aspects of life, things that are worth your time and attention, that excite you or are important to you and gradually help you shift your attention away from the pain and more to those aspects.
Develop compassion or a healthy counter position
When you go beyond the symptoms, one usually finds that the root of the problem is a core emotion running unconsciously on the background such as shame, blame, guilt, a sense of abandonment, a sense of worthlessness, victimhood, etc. One of the goals of the therapist should be to identify what hides at the bottom, help you get rid of that emotion and develop healthy counter positions such as a sense of independence, a degree of selfishness (to place boundaries) or even hostility – depending on what the case calls for. Oftentimes this means also developing compassion – whether for yourself or for the person who has done you wrong – again, depending on the case. This is critical to a permanent change in the psychological/ emotional state.
Develop a philosophical outlook
None of us understands life completely. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we are not handed a manual when we arrive here. However, throughout the many thousands of years of reason and consciousness, our species has learnt some fundamental truths about life and how it works. There are certain “rules of the game” that can make the ride easier. These are found in ancient texts and teachings, albeit encoded oftentimes. For example, some things in life come to be accepted, others – to be rejected; some things need to be fought for, others let go of; some of our seemingly greatest losses end up being our greatest wins; and so on.
These are truths that come intuitively to some people and are difficult to grasp for others. A good therapist should try to help you develop somewhat of a philosophical view on life and let go of the impulse to control it – the ability for which is an illusion anyway but leads to tons of very real suffering.
This may be the single most important item on the list here, by the way. The development of a philosophical view helps the person to develop the ability to deal with the challenges of life long-term and independently.
Deal with the root of the problem
In therapy we talk about a presenting issue, this is the problem that the patient comes to us with. It is, literally, never the actual problem but rather a painful symptom which has resulted as a consequence of our psyche trying to draw our attention to what we need to learn or deal with. A good therapist will help you alleviate the symptom but will always work towards eradicating the actual problem. There is no long-term healing without dealing with what’s beneath – whether we’re talking about depression, anxiety, OCD or whatever it may be.
Shift your perspective and help you mature
Ultimately, the end game of any therapy is to help you shift your perspective to a healthy/ constructive one. Whether something traumatic has happened to you and you need to move from a victim mindset to a hero mindset or you are dealing with a difficult circumstance, and you need to see the opportunities in it – this is always the big goal so to speak. What happens to us is 50% of the picture. The other 50% is what we do with it. It’s a cliché, but because it’s true, it comes down to whether we allow our experiences to make us into a bigger/stronger/bolder person or a smaller one. Clearly, a lot of our take on things and attitude has to do with our conditioning and level of maturity. Our bodies grow in years, but our psyche and/or emotional state can be stuck at 5 years of age. To break away from pain, sometimes all we need to do it to grow up, start adopting mature attitudes and take responsibility for our lives and our behaviour. A good therapist won’t keep you from the truth but tell you the things you need to hear – even if they cushion the blow through a soft delivery.
Because as Joe Dispenza says:
Nothing changes in your life until You change.
It’s just the truth, and there’s no way around it, unfortunately.
In conclusion, it is also worth mentioning that a comprehensive approach is what makes for a truly effective therapeutic intervention. Feelings provoke thoughts and vice versa. Thoughts/feelings become habits. Habits lead to behaviours. Behaviours lead to results which reaffirm the thoughts about who we are and who we are not and often become self-fulfilling prophesies. At the same time, our bodies store stress and emotional pain too. A human being is not a one-dimensional creature, we are made of body, mind and spirit which continuously interact with and affect each other. All three aspects need to be addressed through the therapeutic intervention if it is to be truly effective.
