The impulse for human connection is one of the strongest instinctual pulls within humans as our very survival hinges on it. Babies are literally born to crave love, care and attention as a part of them knows intuitively, without these they would not make it. That’s how deeply engrained within us is the need to bond with other human beings.
But human connection is not only important for our survival as infants; it is just as critical to mental well-being and physical health too. The longest study on happiness initiated by Harvard University back in 1938 turned into a study on longevity too when it conclusively showed that positive relationships are key to not only happiness but mental and physical health as well.
Yet, somehow, more and more individuals feel disconnected; I come across lonely people every day – through my work, social life and just by chance.
It’s shocking how disconnected most people are.
In the past, we used to live in smaller, more closely-knit communities around family members and extended family. Life was simpler and having access to human connection was a lot easier, if not inevitable. Certainly, it required much less effort then.
Things are very different today. People move away to different cities and countries where they need to create social circles from scratch, leaving behind loved ones with fewer people around them too. Everybody is too busy for their own good, overwhelmed by obligations and stress; we have social media which is supposed to keep us connected but somehow manages also to keep us apart. The list is endless.
Based on my personal observations, however, at the bottom of the loneliness pandemic is a trivial issue:
Most people are lazy when it comes to building and maintaining relationships. Human connection was almost a given in the past, but today it requires effort. We live in today’s world but with the relationship attitudes of 60 years ago. It’s as though our psyche hasn’t caught up with the reality.
The Covid lockdowns didn’t make things any better. In fact, it seems to me most people moved down the relationship effort scale with at least 3 points – a made-up number for sure, but who is counting? It’s clear, things are bad.
But here’s the deal, as the saying goes to have a friend, you should be a friend.
I think most people would agree that human relationships have a very realistic chance of proving to be the most complex thing in the universe one day when we have all the data (if that’s even possible). They take time, they require effort, and sometimes patience; they are difficult at times, but without a sense of connection, we don’t see sense in life.
In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that human connection is the very meaning of life. Or at least, it certainly makes life feel meaningful and worth living, fighting, enduring pain and whatnot.
If you happen to be one of those lonely souls out there, here’s what you need to do:
First, understand that relationships, just like living creatures, require care. This means effort. They shouldn’t be taken for granted. You should be prepared to make time for people and to be inconvenienced by people’s demands sometimes. Sorry, that’s the reality. Human connection is magic and effort is the price.
Second, maintaining relationships, like most things in life, comes down to habit. If you don’t have the habit of staying in touch, you need to build it. Make a commitment to reach out to one person a day, or set up a time once a week to text and call everybody you want to have in your life – friends and family. It will be hard at first, but appetite comes with eating – it’s the exact same thing here.
Third, give it time. If you start reaching out to people and you don’t get the same in return right away, you may get disheartened and stop making an effort. Don’t. It takes time for people to get their heads around new things. If they aren’t used to you calling, they’ll need time to mentally move you from one category of friend/loved one into another and start remembering to call you too they have a few minutes to spare.
Next, don’t work on existing relationships just, get moving and be proactive. Look for new people as well. Every person has the potential to be a real treasure. This too may be a bit uncomfortable in the beginning, but it gets easier with time, and it’s very rewarding.
Where do you find new people? Three quick and easy ideas:
- Sign up to volunteer weekly for a cause you care about – that’s killing two birds with one stone. And you know you already have one thing in common with the people you will meet there.
- Sign up for a course and learn something you always wanted to learn – painting, yoga, cooking, whatever. The same bonus points apply here as with volunteering.
- Go to events – in person please, nothing can beat that. Facebook is filled with all sorts of events. You never know what amazing person you will meet there.
- Organise events. You can be more proactive even. Literally, clubs, hiking, discussions – whatever your thing is. That way, you’ll attract many people who are interested in the same topic/hobby.
Above all, and the surest way to help yourself is not to allow yourself to get consumed by your loneliness and identify with it. Instead, if you feel lonely, think about how you can help others who may be in the same situation.
When we look to give instead of receive, oftentimes we end up being on the receiving end just as much as the people we reach out to give to.
And remember, you don’t need thousands of people. You need a few good friends; sometimes even just one person you connect with deeply and authentically is enough.
image courtesy of Fran Rodriguez
